vombatiformes: (Default)
I want to make this post as friendly as possible without altogether throwing out the point of writing about something like this, anyway. The only way I can think to do it is to just make a disclaimer right now: I'm really generally not an aggressive person. Fighting makes me anxious, loud noises make me anxious. I don't like it when people are angry with me or when I'm angry with someone else.

It's just sometimes there's this terrible bubbling feeling in me. Like I'm just looking for an excuse to rage at someone, or to stop restraining my feelings, when they do come up and they are other than polite. I go through an awful lot of trouble in my day-to-day life trying to convince people that I am utterly benign, and I think it's led to people thinking I am actually completely harmless -- and not only that but that *because of that* it's fair to make assumptions on my behalf or force me into situations that I'm uncomfortable with, or make decisions for me, or whatever. I won't mind.

I do, though.


Jun. 4th, 2012 02:02 pm
vombatiformes: (Default)
Some days I'm really happy that I decided to take this art thing seriously and take the financial // free-time hit to try to concentrate on my crafts to make a living. I'll finish a bunch of projects and feel very accomplished and gratified with my ability to do what I love to do.

Some days I think I might just be insane.

It's ten days until Anthrocon, which is my biggest event of the year as far as "amount of sales in a short period of time" goes, and I'm feeling the heat. I have a couple of commissions to finish up (just took a short break from one to type this up) and a lot more pre-made things I'd like to have finished before we leave. My boyfriend and I will be heading down next Thursday and leaving Sunday. We vend all weekend, so most of our time there is spend babysitting our tables and not really participating in much fun-time.

Not that, admittedly, the official "events" of the con have ever been fun to me. This is my fifth year (not in a row, I missed one in there somewhere since my first) and I just can't dig the whole anthropomorphic scene. I mostly go to see cool animal art, and it's a great venue for that... and people seem to really appreciate the work I put into my own art there. That and rubbing elbows with some artists I really admire makes it worthwhile to me.

And also the overall "energy" of the event is inspiring. I like to just sit in a crowded room while everyone is working on creative things and it makes me feel happy and optimistic. Working on your own art while everyone around you is focused on their art is one of the best experiences, in my opinion. I wish I could work like that every day.

But I'm so stressed now, and so tired. I've just gotten over some terrible, mysterious virus that laid me up for a day and a half (just in time to seriously set me back before the con, of course) so I'm sort of peeved and rushing to get things done. I've given the melatonin a break for the past few days, hoping that I've finally sent my body the message ("please, you're meant to sleep at night, you realize this, right?") and apparently it hasn't gone through. Tossing and turning, finally getting tired around dawn only to force myself awake a few hours later so I can get work done.


May. 22nd, 2012 12:48 pm
vombatiformes: (Default)
I love it and I hate it.

When I'm allowed to sleep the way I like, I can easily sleep for 10-12 hours and I've done it. Often. Having been enrolled in cyber school as a teenager means that for the last two years of highschool, I was pretty much running on my own clock. That generally meant up by 4 PM or 5 PM, asleep by 6 AM. Sometimes I could push it back and forth by a couple of hours if I had something I needed to do (run to the post office, go food shopping -- I was also living at my father's house during this time but supporting myself financially otherwise, but I had no car).

Try to get me to bed without melatonin before 4 AM though and I'm going to toss and turn, maybe fall asleep, but definitely wake up several times and probably wind up eventually throwing myself out of bed after only getting a couple of hours of rest. Laying in bed for long periods of time without sleeping produces this "trapped" feeling in me that really sets off my anxiety, so I just don't go there.

Today I got to sleep around 5 AM (no melatonin coupled with truly impressive cravings and terrible stomach pain), and I just forced myself awake at roughly 12 PM, though I am exhausted and want to sleep for hours more. I need to go to the post office though. Getting myself in the shower, getting dressed, walking up the block (I still don't have a car) feel like almost insurmountable chores.

Not to mention all of the other things I have to do today. Cooking, cleaning, and perhaps most importantly working, as I have like 25 days to prepare for Anthrocon and I am not yet prepared anywhere near to the level that I wish to be. I really need to make some money at this con and if I don't really start moving, it's just not going to happen.



May. 21st, 2012 03:45 pm
vombatiformes: (Default)
Hello! Excited to have a new space to babble and organize some of my creative things.

I'm a 21-year-old, male fiber artist (so loaded of a term -- artisan? Self-employed crafter?) living in Pennsylvania with my partner of ~6 years in October. We have a cat, named Stag, who I love.

Other things I like:
- Books. Books. I'm a literature student (graduating in December).
Alongside this like of books is a like of reading aloud, and I often do so to my boyfriend.
- Horror and fantasy.
- Wombats. They're very important to me, and I identify with them (perhaps as one?)
- All sorts of artisan-craft things. Soap-making, book-binding, and of course yarn.

Things you should know:
- I have an anxiety disorder that manifests in some peculiar ways, mostly related to social interactions but also in the need to organize and such. It's been speculated in therapy that I have OCPD, but it is not diagnosed/confirmed, though the symptoms are consistent. As such, should I get to know you on here, please don't be offended if I behave oddly, don't respond right away, respond strangely or even do funny things like delete old comments and re-post things in different ways.
- I'm a sanguinarian. If you don't know what this means already, you probably don't want to know. I'm willing to discuss it but please be respectful.
--> I have DSPD, which makes me effectively nocturnal. I try VERY HARD to adjust to a diurnal sleeping schedule (read: with melatonin and tears, lol) but being sleep deprived (and I often am) makes me cranky and irritable. Usually I'm quite nice, but if it seems like I'm acting unusually aggressive, I'm probably just tired. Don't take it personally.
--> Chronic stomach pain and headaches results in the same thing. Crankypants.

That's all! I will probably post quite a bit about my art-ventures and general life things. Hopefully soon I'll be responsible and provide links to other sites full of relevant information about me and what I do.


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June 2012

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