vombatiformes: (Default)
I want to make this post as friendly as possible without altogether throwing out the point of writing about something like this, anyway. The only way I can think to do it is to just make a disclaimer right now: I'm really generally not an aggressive person. Fighting makes me anxious, loud noises make me anxious. I don't like it when people are angry with me or when I'm angry with someone else.

It's just sometimes there's this terrible bubbling feeling in me. Like I'm just looking for an excuse to rage at someone, or to stop restraining my feelings, when they do come up and they are other than polite. I go through an awful lot of trouble in my day-to-day life trying to convince people that I am utterly benign, and I think it's led to people thinking I am actually completely harmless -- and not only that but that *because of that* it's fair to make assumptions on my behalf or force me into situations that I'm uncomfortable with, or make decisions for me, or whatever. I won't mind.

I do, though.

Sleep.

May. 22nd, 2012 12:48 pm
vombatiformes: (Default)
I love it and I hate it.

When I'm allowed to sleep the way I like, I can easily sleep for 10-12 hours and I've done it. Often. Having been enrolled in cyber school as a teenager means that for the last two years of highschool, I was pretty much running on my own clock. That generally meant up by 4 PM or 5 PM, asleep by 6 AM. Sometimes I could push it back and forth by a couple of hours if I had something I needed to do (run to the post office, go food shopping -- I was also living at my father's house during this time but supporting myself financially otherwise, but I had no car).

Try to get me to bed without melatonin before 4 AM though and I'm going to toss and turn, maybe fall asleep, but definitely wake up several times and probably wind up eventually throwing myself out of bed after only getting a couple of hours of rest. Laying in bed for long periods of time without sleeping produces this "trapped" feeling in me that really sets off my anxiety, so I just don't go there.

Today I got to sleep around 5 AM (no melatonin coupled with truly impressive cravings and terrible stomach pain), and I just forced myself awake at roughly 12 PM, though I am exhausted and want to sleep for hours more. I need to go to the post office though. Getting myself in the shower, getting dressed, walking up the block (I still don't have a car) feel like almost insurmountable chores.

Not to mention all of the other things I have to do today. Cooking, cleaning, and perhaps most importantly working, as I have like 25 days to prepare for Anthrocon and I am not yet prepared anywhere near to the level that I wish to be. I really need to make some money at this con and if I don't really start moving, it's just not going to happen.

Sigh.

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vombatiformes

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